One of the most devious lies the enemy uses to defeat us is the lie that we are alone. He wants us to believe we are alone in the battle; that we are alone against the temptations; that we are alone in our pain; that we are alone in our shame; that we are alone in life—utterly alone. He knows that if we believe we are alone, then we will feel alone—and if we feel alone, then we will act as if we believe we are alone, often isolating ourselves away from the very ones God has brought to help us! Who does the wolf go after? The weak. The straggler. The lone sheep, separated from the protection of the flock.
The guilt and shame sin produces causes us to walk in pride more often than not. What else could you call it when you fear what others might think of you for confessing your sin? Only pride would keep you isolated. It would be like suffering a major health issue and going to the doctor. The first thing the doctor would ask would be, “Can you show me where it hurts?” If we responded with, “I can’t allow someone else to see that. What would people think?” Such a response does not lead to healing. It leads to death. Do not confuse shame and guilt with pride. Pride keeps you from honest confession. Honest confession leads to Truth—and Truth sets you free!
How do I know these things? I speak from personal experience. When I was a younger man, fear of what others thought—pride—kept me from being honest. The living of lies and performance to keep others from asking questions became layer upon layer of what I thought was self- preservation. In actuality, these were layers of death! It took one moment of honesty to free me from that fear. Until that moment, I was wrapped up in self-pity brought on by loneliness. Out of the mentality that I must protect myself from others, I chose to separate myself from relationships. We were not created to walk alone. We were created—wired for—relationships. Without relationships, there is no life.
The Sea of Galilee in Israel is full of life. It receives rain and runoff from the surrounding hills. That same water, full of life, flows all the way to the Dead Sea. The Dead Sea receives the same water, yet it’s dead! How can that be? Even though it receives water from the Sea of Galilee, it has no outflow. There is no give and take. There is no life because it only takes in and gives nothing back. As new creations in Christ, we are intended to thrive and flourish as we walk relationally with God and with others.
When I was caught within those layers of hiding and aloneness, I was right where the enemy wanted me. I let very little of myself out to others, disclosing nothing but surface details about my life. Safe. I let no one in for fear of being found out, exposed to the light of day. Although I felt I was protecting myself, I was actually feeding the flames of death and destruction in my own life. Let me tell you about the night that all began to change.
When I was fresh out of college, my plan was to go on to seminary, but the Lord had another plan for me. Through a series of events, I found myself living in Oklahoma City with my friend Chuck, and his mother, Beverly. Chuck had befriended me in college and had encouraged me to seek Jesus and to seek to pursue my dream of writing music. Because of my wretched state of self-loathing, Chuck was constantly talking me off of the emotional ledge I often found myself on. He was speaking life to me and I was receiving it—but I was giving nothing back. To do so leads to stagnation—and that would be a great way to describe my state of mind at the time.
One night during such a time of me expressing depression and stinkin’ thinkin’ due to my circumstances, Chuck very calmly said, “Dennis, I need to talk with you.” I had not expected to hear such gravity in a tone that had given, up until that moment, any reason for alarm or fear. [The following portion is excerpted from my book, Sing Over Me:]
That night I could tell he had something on his mind...just by the way he was extra kind to me...extra attentive to my feelings about everything...extra encouraging. After dinner, we settled in the living room and, as was typical for our evenings, went to the piano to sing some of the songs I was writing in those days. All was well in my mind. The music flowed easily. The very atmosphere was peaceful and serene...like I didn’t have a care in the world. And my friend was so gracious to me. Chuck was always kind in all his ways—but for some reason, he was extra sensitive to my mood that night.
After singing a few songs, we began to talk. Talking with Chuck was always so freeing and refreshing to me, full of encouraging words as well as words of challenge. He was always challenging me to go deeper in the things of God, and he was very sensitive when it came to sharing things God had impressed upon his heart for me. I could not help but think of the dream he had that set me on my current journey—that sent me to live with him. So whenever Chuck said he felt God had something for him to share with me, I was all ears. And tonight was no different.
“I have something I need to share with you, Dennis,” he began.
“Sure,” I said. “Go ahead.”
Hesitating for a few seconds, like a wise man does, weighing his thoughts with discernment as how best to express them, I could tell that whatever Chuck had to say to me was pressing down heavily upon his heart.
“I’ve heard some things about you.”
I froze. “What have you heard?” I asked.
I could now see anguish on Chuck’s face but felt a deep compassion emanating from him as well. Looking me eye to eye, he said, “I know you’re struggling with homosexuality.”
In utter shock and disbelief that my secret had been spilled—and then filled with simultaneous rage and humiliation to know that my friend had heard the news from someone else—I burst from the room and out the front door, running as fast as I possibly could into the night. I ran and I ran and
I ran, thinking all the while my life is over!’ I ran in desperation, ran on the adrenaline the shame of being found out and being confronted by one of my best friends had sent coursing through my body. Crying and shaking and feeling completely humiliated, I continued to run for several minutes. And then I stopped.
As if a glass of cold, icy water had been suddenly thrown into my face, I was brought back to reality with this thought: where am I going? Where am I running to? What do I do now? I have no place left to turn. My best friend, whose home and presence had been a refuge for me, were suddenly gone. Assuming Chuck would have nothing to do with me...that his reason for telling me he knew about my secret was because he would need me to leave his home...I decided to just not go back. But still the question, where do I go now? kept playing over and over in my mind.
Sobbing uncontrollably now, I felt so helpless and alone. In the middle of a dark street in the middle of the night somehow seemed very appropriate to my life. Like the epitome of irony, the very thing I longed for—to be known completely—was the very thing that had now ushered me into what I, that moment, considered the deepest abyss my soul had ever gotten to...and I thought I had felt hopeless so many times before...but now somehow felt like the end of the road—the real deal. Alone. Abandoned. Helpless. Without hope. And I stood there frozen at the edge of a cliff.
I didn’t know I could cry so deeply. I didn’t know I could still feel so deeply. I had not expected this tonight. The night had been going so well. Why did it have to end this way? Wailing now, I began to cry out, “Why, Lord? Why?” and then the moaning grew deeper as the cry changed to, “Father, if you are real...if You are even there...I need You to speak to me! If ever I’ve needed you, it is now! Please speak to me!”
Somehow, simply uttering those words calmed my soul. Somehow, admitting I was helpless brought me to the place of complete brokenness and humility. Somehow, I knew I had no other hope if He did not speak. And it didn’t take long...
The night was dark yet the sky was bright, illuminated by a full moon. I had not noticed the moon until that moment, so consumed with my pain I had been. So self-focused that I had not noticed the two clouds in the sky that now drew my attention. Without realizing what I was doing, I began to think about the days as a child out on the farm when I would just lie down in the grass and watch the clouds go by. Many hours were spent in those days looking to the clouds for images and shapes of creatures and people. I recalled dinosaurs and horses, sailing ships and serpents. For a few brief seconds I was somehow taken back to those days. To feel the innocence and wonder of a child was at once soothing to my grieving soul. And then I was shaken back to the present reality. To the two clouds, their shapes very evident in the moonlit sky.
At first I could not believe what I was seeing. Didn’t want to put my hope in something not real. But the clouds were real and had very definite shapes. Recognizable shapes. Life-shaking shapes. And as if taken by unseen hands, my face was directed to look fully at what was transpiring in the heavens above me.
I was first drawn to the larger of the two clouds. There was no mistaking the image of an old man with a beard. With definition of features, the face was loving and welcoming—and inviting. I could not release my gaze on the figure, so full of love and acceptance it was. And then my face was directed to the smaller cloud. Amazed at what I was seeing, this cloud looked like a small lamb. A sheep. A wounded sheep in need of love and care. And as if on some cosmic cue, the old man cloud began to catch up to the little lamb cloud, as if it were pursing the broken little sheep. And then?
The old man cloud began to consume the little lamb cloud within itself! They became one! I could not believe what I was seeing...but hadn’t I just asked the Lord to speak to me? And now this?!
Flooding with all manner of good thoughts, my mind began to calm down and peace began to flood my mind. Suddenly I knew what Father was saying. “This is what I want to do with and for you, son. I want to consume you. Consume your brokenness. Love you. Bind up your wounds. Heal your broken heart.”
It was in that moment that I “heard,” not in an audible voice, but rather in an impression on my mind, “Go back and face your friend. He is waiting for you. You can trust Me.” So I went back home. It was a long walk...not because of the distance, just because I was so afraid of what my friend may say and do. Even though I had felt I had just heard the Lord speak to me, I was still so full of fear I could hardly function. All I know is that somehow the Lord gave me the strength to head home.
Approaching the door, I thought I would be able to sneak in without Chuck noticing. But he hadn’t moved from where I had last seen him! He had been waiting all that time! Just that realization— that he had waited—sent chills of peace through my veins. It is one thing for people to tell you they love you—and quite another for them to prove their love. In that moment I gained a deeper understanding of what real love was supposed to look like. Real loves requires the laying down of life. Sacrifice. And Chuck was about to lay down his life for me in a deeply profound way.
Slinking into the room, head bowed dejectedly, I could not bring myself to even look at him, so wracked with shame I was. In his wisdom, my friend did not try to get me to look him right in the eye, but wisely waited to allow the honesty of the moment and the depth of his love and commitment to me restore me to a feeling of pure acceptance—void of shame.
He simply asked me to sit down...because he had something he wanted to share with me. Expecting complete rejection, I girded myself for the worst. But with the very tone of his voice and the compassion with which he spoke, I was set immediately at ease as I took my seat near him.
“Dennis,” he began. “I’ll be honest with you. I do not know how to help you. All I know is I know the answer.”
At once I was flooded with feelings of hope...and I began to let my guard down. All I said was, “You know the answer? What’s the answer?”
His answer was short and unexpectedly to the point. “Jesus is the Answer.”
As I sat there stunned and actually a bit incredulous in attitude, I said, “Jesus is the answer? I’ve heard that my whole life! I’ve asked Him to change me time and time again...and nothing’s ever happened! How is Jesus the Answer? I’ve heard it all before.”
“Not like this, you haven’t,” he declared confidently.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
What he said next took my breath away...and still does to this day whenever I remember that moment. “Though I do not know any magic formula or know what steps might be required for your freedom from this, I do believe Jesus is the Answer. And here’s what I mean by that. I believe so much that He is what you need to be free that I am willing to walk toward Jesus with you...as long as it takes...whatever it takes. When you fall down, I will not kick you. I will not say, ‘I told you so.’ You know what I’ll do? I’ll help you up every time.”
By now, my tears had again begun to flow. As if being bathed in pure love and acceptance, though I did not know it at the time, I was having a real-life personal demonstration of the act of love...the laying down of life. But he wasn’t quite through.
“Dennis, not only will I walk with you as long as it takes. If you need a shoulder to cry on, use mine. If you need someone to yell at when the frustration grows too burdensome, yell at me. I can handle it. Let’s just walk toward Jesus together.”
It was in that moment that God restored hope in my soul...and it began to burn like a fire within me. As never before, I began to seek Jesus, still focused on my performance, not quite understanding yet that God’s love for me was in no way connected to my performance. But at least now I didn’t feel so alone. Finally I had someone who, though they might not have gone through exactly what I’d gone through in my life, they were sensitive enough to walk through the recovery of a broken heart with me.
By the way, Chuck kept his word. He has walked through the past thirty-two years with me...toward Jesus. Love looks like my friend, Chuck.
My point? God wired us for relationship with Himself and with one another. We need one another. Life is lived when life is exchanged. True intimacy is when we understand that God is waiting for us to say to Him, “Father, here is my heart. Into me, see.” True relationship happens when we understand that in that same moment, He is saying to us, “Son or daughter, here is My heart. Into me, see.” Without relationship, we are like ships floundering about on the ocean of life with no anchor and no sail and no rudder and...you get the idea. We are left stranded, exposed to the elements (lies of the enemy), and trying to make our way with nothing but futility being the result.
Without people to help us walk through and navigate life, the enemy has us right where he wants us. Alone and floundering, like a wounded sheep separated from the safety of the flock, he is able to sweep in like a ravenous wolf and devour our mind with negative thoughts. Without someone else to speak into our lives, we have a very limited perspective—especially as it pertains to our own lives.
There is a reason God’s Word speaks so much about the need to surround ourselves with the body...because life flows from cell to cell. Nutrients flow from cell to cell. Healing flows from cell to cell. Life-giving oxygen flows from cell to cell. Every part of the body of Christ needs the other parts of the body.
...so that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it. Now you are Christ's body, and individually members of it. (1 Corinthians 12:25-27)
Take a few minutes to read the following passages of God’s Word that communicate the wisdom of the Truth that we need one another relationally. I would strongly suggest you begin asking the Lord to bring godly men and women into your life who you can share life with because you need people...but remember this: people need who you are and need what you have as well! Humble yourself and seek out relationship with other believers.
But He gives a greater grace. Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE." Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. (James 4:6-8)
And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. (Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Where there is no guidance the people fall,
But in abundance of counselors there is victory. (Proverbs 11:14)
For by wise guidance you will wage war,
And in abundance of counselors there is victory. (Proverbs 24:6)
But encourage one another day after day, as long as it is still called “Today,” so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. (Hebrews 3:13)
Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
The things which you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses, entrust these to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. (2 Timothy 2:2)
Dennis Jernigan
Photo courtesy of https://pixabay.com/photos/man-walking-fields-trees-path-5979578/
